You just lost your job and you are reeling with a thousand questions. You just lost your best friend to cancer and you don’t know how you are going to go on. You are told you are getting a new boss and the word is they are a jerk. These are all massive changes. Life altering. It’s frequently unforeseen. It comes out of nowhere like a sudden car crash. Suddenly you are on a different path.
There are lots of ways to deal with sudden change. A lot of them are unhealthy. Stuffing your feelings with food. Escaping with alcohol or drugs. Going on a shopping spree. There are healthy ways to cope with change and here are a few ideas.
- Accept and label your emotions. I lost a pregnancy about 25 years ago. I never dealt with the grief until about a year ago. I was talking to an outstanding coach friend, Sandy Lewis, about pregnancy and the topic came up. She asked if I had grieved for the baby. I hadn’t. So, for several weeks, I lit a candle and named the lost baby “Angel”. I cried. I wept. I wailed. I felt it in my stomach mostly and I labeled it. This is what loss feels like. This is what disappointment feels like. I felt it through my whole body and accepted it. Most of us usually stuff our feelings and never get them out. But they sit there waiting to be experienced. After a weekly ceremony of honoring my feelings and grieving for that lost child, I finally got past it.
- What is the gift? There is a silver lining to practically anything. The pregnancy I was talking about was an accident. But the gift was that I realized I wanted to have children. When I divorced my first husband and father of my children, I realized that I was worthy and deserving of love. And I found that love. When I was laid off from my first “professional” job, I learned that corporate cafeterias were not where my joy was. I laid off a guy last year and he realized it was time to move and retire. He hated his job. If your relationship ends, you may be thrown onto a path of adventure that you’ve only ever dreamed of. If your current job ends, you may meet a whole new group of people that you thoroughly identify with and who actually become your friends. The important thing is to find the gift and accept it.
- Don’t fight it. As Amanda Abella wrote in Lifehack, “Life changes are usually out of our control. Rather than trying to manipulate the situation and wishing things were different, try flowing with it instead.” Resistance is completely natural but be conscious when it’s time to move on. The resistance is making you suffer. As a client of mine once said, “Sit back like you are in a recliner and let the current flow. Putting your feet down in the white water is dangerous. Kick back and go with the flow.”
- Find healthy habits. I remember that when I left my first husband, I started smoking again; it was a way for me to take my independence back. It took me five years to quit again. There are lots of healthy options like meditation, yoga, journaling or taking the dog for a walk. It’s easy to get caught up in not being present. You can go over and over and over the sins of the past and get caught up in how you are going to pay the rent without a job. When you feel that start to take over, go for walk and listen to the birds. Get present.
- Reframe it. I reframe things for my coaching clients all the time. I remember a client was suffering from a mean ex-husband. I asked her what was good about the situation. She replied, “I learned I can take care of myself.” It was easy to get caught up in being the victim and not being able to find your power. If you don’t have a coach, phone a trusted friend. Let them help you reframe it. It frequently takes an outside perspective. It’s difficult to do the work by ourselves. Phone a friend.
Change is difficult and we are all wired to resist it. Acknowledging and accepting is the way forward. What change are you coping with?